During my eight years as a counselor, and group leader at an elite drug and alcohol rehabilitation facility in Malibu, California, I witnessed rabid mating rituals amongst the vast majority of clients. They fell in and out of love, much like Bonobo monkeys who famously live for sex, all day long…with multiple partners. Well, that’s a little bit like what goes on in a high-end rehab. There is lots of sex, couplings, and un-couplings. Sometimes it is referred to as “rehab love.”
In my private practice, I continued to counsel people (women especially) on how to negotiate love and sexual attraction. As a result, the following is my short, sweet, twisted and cynical “take” regarding the initial stages of any romantic or sexual relationship.
DISCLAIMER: Although I have witnessed a fair share of healthy, long-term and thriving relationships, I need to be truthful; and I apologize in advance for the following buzz-kill: The truth is that only a certain percentage of relationships make it in the long run, and a high percentage of marriages dissolve. You knew this, right? Couples (celebrities especially) get married; order designer kids, and then divorce. Someday, sociologists will write about the phenomena regarding children as “props,” but that’s another opinion.
There’s a very good reason this “how to” blog is short and simple. It’s because my overriding premise is this: During the first six months of getting to know someone, i.e. dating, a woman should not, under any circumstances, take any of it seriously, i.e. make the first six months of dating really unimportant!
Thank you. That’s it. Just kidding. Here is my practical and hard-core advice in ten easy epiphanies:
EPIPHANY #1:
If a man has asked you out, there is absolutely nothing further for you to do. If he has asked you out, it means that he is sexually attracted to you. All you have to do is take a shower and show up.
EPIPHANY #2:
Most likely, you will have a good time on this date. This is irrelevant. In fact, make removing calluses from your heels more important than this date. Do not memorize his phone numbers or his e-mail address, and do not download his phone or e-mail onto your Android (and you thought I wasn’t serious).
Think of it as a board game, like Clue – You are Ms. Scarlett, seductive and charismatic, to his Colonel Mustard, a dashing, but suspicious, bachelor. Hopefully, however, your new relationship is not a bored-game….
EPIPHANY # 3:
Men are great at presentation, with little to no follow-through. Enjoy the presentation. That’s all. Notice it. Enjoy it, and do not become invested in any of it. And please do not allow yourself fantasies of changing him – even one nose hair.
EPIPHANY #4:
Remember this quote by Linda Sunshine:
“If you talk about yourself, he’ll think you’re boring.
“If you talk about others, he’ll think you’re a gossip.”
“If you talk about him, he’ll think you’re a brilliant conversationalist.”
EPIPHANY #5:
Choose a man as if you’re choosing a widower’s car: It’s been owned once by an old couple that drove to the local market, and back. Those are always the best cars. Capice?
EPIPHANY #6:
When you show up for the initial date, expect a boy – anywhere from 6 to 15 years old, disguised as a grown man; and never lose sight of this little “tyke” and his special needs.
EPIPHANY #7
Keep it light, 24/7. Whatever you do, don’t cry at dinner if you sense he’s pulling away.
EPIPHANY #8
Do not let him see you in any physical pain. Even if you cut yourself in front of him, pretend that you are not bleeding. If you check into a hospital for something, pretend that you suddenly went to Tahiti. In which case, get thee to a tanning salon immediately. (Note: I have never known a man, in the early stages of dating, who wants to hear that my lower lumbar went into apocalyptic spasms). Don’t do it!
EPIPHANY #9
Remember: Dating is like a biology class – view your male as a lab rat. Observe his behavior and take notes.
EPIPHANY #10
ALL your verbal responses should sound like this:
“Oh, that’s interesting” (This 3-word statement gives you a pause, withholds apparent judgment (while you are judging, of course) and sounds intelligent) – even though you might want to scream: “Are you serious?”
Additional phrases to have handy in your back pocket, are:
“Really?”
“That’s Great”
“Fascinating”
“Wow“
“Unbelievable”
PARTING WORDS:
I know your worst nightmare, I do. Abandonment. What if you like this brown bear, and he surfaces after a long cave-dwelling? That is code for: he disappeared, and never called you afterward – whatever happened afterward.
If the brown bear does not call, your attitude, should you even give it any thought, is this: “Oh, that’s interesting”…To tell you the truth, “Oh, that’s interesting” is your ace-in-the-hole response to pretty much everything. THAT is you’re “go to” line. It will save your dignity (and your ass) every time. It’s about DETACHMENT ladies. Read some stuff on Zen, okay?
Here’s the thing – I know you are dissatisfied with “Oh, that’s interesting.” It’s just not enough for your communicative, talky, verbal self, is it? I know. So, here are a few options. Options are always a good thing. For example, should the date be awful, Uber is an option.
Here’s what you can do if he disappeared and then finally surfaces, weeks later – Here are some choices:
1) If you’re an optimist, you can say, “Hi. I’ve missed you. Wanna come over for dinner?” (Utterly lame).
2) If you’re in the middle ground and fearful, you can say, “Hi Butch! Are you okay? I’ve been so worried ever since you ate that live squid at sushi.” (Remember, you do not have his email or digits).
3) But…if you’re truly in touch with your dark side, you can say, “Thanks. We already fucked. Have a nice day.”
SUMMARY:
Expect nothing
Be amused all the time
If he does not call, DO NOTHING.
In the first 6 months, do not be a pleaser or a giver. Your job is to receive unbridled admiration. If you find yourself dropping into co-dependent, pleasing behaviors, take 2 aspirin and call Gloria Steinem. Ask her about the famous “bicycle” statement. Upshot: Why make a big deal? It’s only the first six months…Duh.
And finally, one might consider the words of humorist, author and never married Vanity Fair contributor, Dorothy Parker:
“I require only three things in a man.
He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid”
Well, although I am way to old and happily married for dating anymore, I have to (unfortunately) concede that, based on the time when I was in that unfortunate state, your observations of the typical male are spot on. And fun. How embarrassing.
Nicely done.
Thank you so much for commenting, Andy. The “dating” piece came out of an outrageous and laughter spewed visit with a friend. I’d like to think that beneath the sarcasm and humor, there’s a little bit of truth (which you just confirmed!). Glad we’re in touch Andy.